TO BILLY: No. While the metaphor is poignant and earnest in its simplicity, the poem is largely unclear and underdeveloped. There are several images presented that may come across as confusing to the reader, as well.
First Reader’s Comments:
Specific Comments:
S2, L1 - I feel as though the use of violent imagery is inconsistent with the idea of fixing a piece of broken glass together with tape. Perhaps using imagery of frustration or confusion by the individual trying to piece the glass back together would better be used here, in order to be consistent with the tone and imagery of the poem as a whole, but it’s all up to you!
S2, L1-2 - The use of enjambment is used very nicely in this line. It really emphasizes how deep the hole left by ‘you’ is. By making the reader pause, the image of the “hole” is conveyed twice - first through the word “gaping”, and in the following line, more explicitly through the word “hole”. Wonderful job!
S2, L1-2 - I really do like the idea of the “gaping hole” presented in this line. I wonder if you could elaborate on it further or connect back to it later in the poem, as it is never mentioned again, unlike the more consolidated image of the “original shape”.
S3, L2 - I wonder if “refine” is the best choice of word to use in this line. The beautiful image that you have created seems to reflect an individual who has been broken down, and thus can’t piece herself back together. In order to better convey this idea, I recommend choosing another word in place of “refine” that more clearly communicates this sentiment - one possible replacement is simply “find”. S4, L3 - Why did you choose to use the word “genuine” in this line? While I like how it departs from the slightly repetitive “original shape” used in the previous stanzas, it seems to communicate a different meaning than the “original shape”. As a result, I would propose either finding a synonym that communicates a similar meaning - such as “earlier” - or using the wording of “original shape” in this line. S5, L2 - The word choice of “poignant”, in my opinion, doesn’t seem to fit the tone of the piece, which seems to use more simplistic, earnest language. I would thus suggest using a synonym of poignant in this line; one potential replacement could be “tragic” or “sad”. I suggest reading this section aloud and seeing what you think sounds best! S5, L3 - What is the “cape” supposed to symbolize in this line? While I do like the idea of elaborating on what symbolic tools the ‘you’ has been using to fix the narrator, they seem to come across as slightly unclear. I would recommend being slightly more explicit on what the “drink” and “cape” are. General Comments: Dear author, Thank you for submitting to …show more content…
It seemed as though the individual was trying to piece herself back together in the earlier stanzas of the poem, rather than another individual trying to piece the girl together. It is also slightly confusing why another individual - the very one who broke her - is trying now to piece her back together like ‘broken glass’. I recommend being more clear in communicating whichever idea you choose to go with by making sure that the idea is being conveyed in all of the stanzas of the poem, rather than only in the latter stanzas of the poem, in order to be as clear as
First Reader’s Comments:
Specific Comments:
S2, L1 - I feel as though the use of violent imagery is inconsistent with the idea of fixing a piece of broken glass together with tape. Perhaps using imagery of frustration or confusion by the individual trying to piece the glass back together would better be used here, in order to be consistent with the tone and imagery of the poem as a whole, but it’s all up to you!
S2, L1-2 - The use of enjambment is used very nicely in this line. It really emphasizes how deep the hole left by ‘you’ is. By making the reader pause, the image of the “hole” is conveyed twice - first through the word “gaping”, and in the following line, more explicitly through the word “hole”. Wonderful job!
S2, L1-2 - I really do like the idea of the “gaping hole” presented in this line. I wonder if you could elaborate on it further or connect back to it later in the poem, as it is never mentioned again, unlike the more consolidated image of the “original shape”.
S3, L2 - I wonder if “refine” is the best choice of word to use in this line. The beautiful image that you have created seems to reflect an individual who has been broken down, and thus can’t piece herself back together. In order to better convey this idea, I recommend choosing another word in place of “refine” that more clearly communicates this sentiment - one possible replacement is simply “find”. S4, L3 - Why did you choose to use the word “genuine” in this line? While I like how it departs from the slightly repetitive “original shape” used in the previous stanzas, it seems to communicate a different meaning than the “original shape”. As a result, I would propose either finding a synonym that communicates a similar meaning - such as “earlier” - or using the wording of “original shape” in this line. S5, L2 - The word choice of “poignant”, in my opinion, doesn’t seem to fit the tone of the piece, which seems to use more simplistic, earnest language. I would thus suggest using a synonym of poignant in this line; one potential replacement could be “tragic” or “sad”. I suggest reading this section aloud and seeing what you think sounds best! S5, L3 - What is the “cape” supposed to symbolize in this line? While I do like the idea of elaborating on what symbolic tools the ‘you’ has been using to fix the narrator, they seem to come across as slightly unclear. I would recommend being slightly more explicit on what the “drink” and “cape” are. General Comments: Dear author, Thank you for submitting to …show more content…
It seemed as though the individual was trying to piece herself back together in the earlier stanzas of the poem, rather than another individual trying to piece the girl together. It is also slightly confusing why another individual - the very one who broke her - is trying now to piece her back together like ‘broken glass’. I recommend being more clear in communicating whichever idea you choose to go with by making sure that the idea is being conveyed in all of the stanzas of the poem, rather than only in the latter stanzas of the poem, in order to be as clear as